I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I smell like Dick and happiness
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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