No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My pussy is not your playground.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
