just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
