it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
