when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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