I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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