I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
