Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
