First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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