I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
