Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Randomize
