i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
