Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
