I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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