I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
