you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
We need a shit load of segways right now
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
