WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
