My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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