if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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