"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Randomize
