I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
