I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
