I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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