I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
