bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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