So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
