sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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