okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
