3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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