Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
