Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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