This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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