I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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