I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
