I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
