so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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