I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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