Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
