I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
