You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
