He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
a search helicopter?!
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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