I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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