you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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