we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
