OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
