I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
