My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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