I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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