How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
