Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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