Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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